rapindustryfanfiction:

SPOILER ALERT: WE HAVE UNEARTHED A VERY RARE AND LEGENDARY SIXTH PART OF OUR LAKUTIS INTERVIEW THAT WE WILL BE RUNNING TOMORROW STAY TUNED.

Who are your favorite rappers and what are your favorite energy drinks, and which rappers do you think drink which energy drinks?
My favorite rappers have to be Beck, the dude from Butthole Surfers, the Blondie Chick. Yeah. I think they drink, respectively, Monster, Rockstar and…what’s a weird one? Arizona Energy, which is not even a real energy drink. Just a shitload of sugar. Which tastes good. I like it. It tastes just slightly vitamin-y. I don’t drink energy drinks that much. Yo! Dimitri, my friend DVS, is like the least-healthy person you’ll ever meet. He chain-smokes, he’s got an E-Cigarette. He collects vices. He seeks out the most powerful and disgusting energy drinks.

I feel like the bodegas that have St. Ides, that means they have the worst in energy drinks.
Or the best, depending on how you look at it.

Did you ever drink Four Loko?
Yeah. Love that shit. I liked the other one better. Joose.

You were a Joose Man?
Before the whole hullaballoo. I wasn’t an ironic Joose and Four Loko drinker. This is what I drank to get drink. I’d get drunk fast and hard.

You just feel alive.
And drunk as shit. When Dap and Victor were living on Montrose, I would get out the subway and get the special edition Joose: 12% alcohol raspberry iced tea lemonade. One time I grabbed one of those and went to a rooftop party in the summer, and sat on a roof and drank this one can. It took an hour, and I got up and I was fucking twisted, dude! I was like, “What the hell? This is awesome!” It’s amazing.

I think that’s why they made it illegal.
People died. It’s those college idiots. 

It was a lot of kids in DC, from what I remember.
DC’s a shithole. I went briefly to see the buildings. Look at that dude. He looks like when he was born, he was already somebody’s dad. He’s wearing a motorcycle jacket. I wear motorcycle jackets, but I don’t feel like “that dude.” But then I see “that dude…”

Do you see that guy who’s dressed like a cowboy over there?
Yeah, but that’s its own fuckin’ thing. I feel like I have a responsibility with all these weirdos wearing motorcycle jackets. My thing is falling apart, too. You know how all these dudes in a cartoon or a movie, if they get rich they get cooler, better versions of things they own? I wanna do that so bad. Like remember Jafar got a way cooler cobra staff, because he got powerful. That shit’s awesome.

What are your favorite Disney movies?
Aladdin, Little Mermaid, that’s it. Those are the only ones, right?

I like the Emperor’s New Groove.
What’s that? I never saw that one. Whenever I try to watch the new ones, it’s like the songs are so phoned-in. they’re so bad. You don’t realize how good the fucking songs are until you see this new shit and you’re like, “These songs fucking suck!” The lyrics suck, the music sucks. Little Mermaid and Aladdin.

What about Beauty and the Beast?
Too dark. I don’t remember it very well. I remember it being very dark. The music was okay. But I can sing you any of the songs from Aladdin or Little Mermaid. I can sort of remember the songs from Beauty and the Beast. (sings melody of Beauty and the Beast). What’s the other one?

I think there’s a song that’s supposed to be a pretty big deal where the teacups are coming alive and they’re singing some song, but I have no fucking idea how it goes.
You gotta find out. I gotta know what it is. I bet the best song from Beauty and the Beast is, like, as good as the worst songs from those other two.

…Look at this shit. You think anyone in here’s from New York?

No.
I’ll tell you for a fact. Probably not a single person I’m looking at is from here. I can tell. I can fucking tell. I wasn’t thinking about it until I looked outside and saw these two people give each other this fucking weird-ass pound, and I was like, “Ugh! What the fuck!” It was too self-assured. They were too comfortable here. Transplants are too comfortable.

I’m sorry.
It’s not you.

Could you tell that I wasn’t from here?
Definitely.

What about me?
I dunno. it’s just the way you are. The way you carry yourself says you’re not from New York. It’s not bad. Just don’t do weird pounds like that. Whatever. It’s his friend from his town. They did a really weird snap. 

What is Blue Ivy Carter going to do when she grows up?
Oh, man. That’s such a big question. Let’s brainstorm. She’s gonna marry me.

I always think she’s gonna be like Damian from The Omen.
Or Ursula from the Little Mermaid. What if she turns into a half-octopus person? Have you even considered the implications, Drew?

She could be President. A motivational speaker.
She’s gonna die in the gutter. She’s gonna die poor and lonely. That’s my prediction. She’s gonna die a very, very poor woman.

What do you think she’s gonna waste her money on?
Jujyfruit. Almonds. Red.

Red Vines? Red Hots? Red Skelton?
Imagination. White gold. The movie Thinner.

What the fuck is Thinner?
You don’t know about that shit?

I’m young, dude.
How old are you?

22.
Whatever, it came out. It’s got that gypsy lady who goes, “Thinner!” He’s a fat fuck and he pisses off this gypsy chick and so she goes, “Thinner!” That’s in the ether, baby. You’ve gotta luck up the trailer. I’ve never seen the movie either, but it’s the ether.

What are your favorite mythical creatures?
Jujyfruit. Red. The movie Thinner. Sweaters. Manticores are cool. Dragons, obviously.

I like minotaurs.
Keerans are like half dragon, half lion. That’s Japanese. That’s what’s cool that’s already made up and start to tack on creatures to it. Starfish. Lemons. Ludens.

Think about seahorses. Those should be made up.
Total fucking freaks.

Hammerhead sharks.
So hot. Agreed, Drew. So hot.

What are your top three animals you would have sex with?
Lemons… Google… Goat-hair suits.